day six: capacity for love

There is a six year old I nanny every Monday and Tuesday who is one incredible little girl. She is quite feisty and throws me constantly for a loop, cheerful one moment and then anger like fire the next. While it's often a handful, I can honestly say that's the best thing about her.

Rena has a wide capacity for anger, more than most other children I've encountered. Once that dragon is stirred, it's hard to extinguish it. She turns on this "teenager" attitude that is quite unusual for most first graders, and can become more stubborn than a mountain in .26 seconds.

But for all that hype in a negative direction, I have never babysat a six year old with more love in her heart. She is the most cuddly little thing, who wants to hold my hand any time we walk anywhere, will sing along with me to Justin Bieber in the car, is always giggling, and whose zest and excitement for life is unmatched. She is smart, cheerful, and sincere. I love that she let's me see all the different sides of her, good and bad. She is comfortable with me and knows that I love her fiercely. She never misses an opportunity to snuggle me and tell me how much she loves me either. Being with her, her incredibly talented and kind sister, and their sweet older brother is one of the highlights of my week.

Yesterday Rena and I went to visit a family friend of ours, and upon leaving, Rena began to cry. I can decipher her cries pretty well now that I've been watching her for over a year, but this one was unique. It was heartwrenchingly sad to watch her hold tight onto Kim and not want to go back home. I've never seen her be so tenderly upset. She cried the entire way home, and as I carried her inside, all I could think about was how much she had grown in the past year, let alone this past month. She amazes me with her resilience and joyful heart. I am so proud of her.

Rena, I love you so much! Thank you for being such a little light in my life. I hope we stay friends for many years to come :)

Day Five: Love Songs

These are my top ten favorite love songs. I adore them because there is something real about each one. Their stories aren't candy coated and easy, there is real life lived in each one. I placed my favorite lyrics under the title. Here they are in no particular order:

1. Magic - Leagues (Leagues is a newly formed band who writes catchy yet delightfully good music. I plan on walking down the aisle to this song!)

"You and me, we've got something magic,
You and me, we've got something real.
You and me, we've got something magic,
You and me we've got something still.
Every day, every day, every day,
I feel it!"

2. Come Meet Me - Michael Rossback (Shy perfection and hopeful expectancy in a song)

"Come meet me in the middle of a rainy street
Just like we thought it'd always be
I've fallen for you, it's just what I do

Loving you will carry me til I meet you
and all the things that I'll go through
I do them for you, it's just what I do

My heart's on the wire
and I've given it to you
So much time's gone by
and still no sign of you

But I'll pull through
because everyday I pray for you
You're everything that I'll hold to
I've fallen for you, it's just what I do."

3. On the Wire - Michael Rossback (pure honesty about the pitfalls and beauties of relationships. I can't help but post the whole song :] )

"On the wire
We are holding to
You are onto me
And I'm onto you

We could take this slow
See just where it leads
Maybe drop the ropes
That they put on you
And me

This is everything I wanted
I'll make it everything you wanted
I'll be

Would you slow it down
Cause I've lost control
I'm not holding back
And you won't let go

So carry my name for a day
And see how it suits
I know you'll feel it
Maybe we'll make our mistakes
But I'll always know just what you're feeling

Cause I believe in love
I believe in love

So pull this car over
And let me love on you
Shadows of covers
Uncover you"

4. Gravity - Sara Bareilles (This so is not a happy love song, but it's raw. It's hard to understand exactly what she means unless you've been there.)

"Something always brings me back to you
It never takes too long
No matter what I say or do
I still feel you here 'til the moment I'm gone

You hold me without touch
You keep me without chains
I never wanted anything so much
Than to drown in your love and not feel your rain"

5. In Your Atmosphere - John Mayer (There is so much emotion here. It's another one of those "love is lost" songs, but he approaches it with such delicacy and understanding. John Mayer is a dang good song writer.)

"I'm gonna steer clear
Burn up in your atmosphere
I'm gonna steer clear
Cause I'd die if I saw you
I'd die if I didn't see you there
So I don't think I'm gonna go to LA anymore

I don;t think I'm gonna go to LA anymore
Get lost on the boulevard at night
Without your voice to tell me
I love you, take a right
The ten and the two is the loneliest sight

...

Wherever I go
Whatever I do
I wonder where I am in my relationship to you

Wherever you go
Wherever you are
I watch your life play out in pictures from afar"

6. Poison and Wine - The Civil Wars (Their voices meld together flawlessly.)

"I wish you'd hold me when I turn my back
The less I give, the more I get back
Your hands can heal, your hands can bruise
I don't have a choice but I still choose you.

I don't love you, but I always will."

7. Ships in the Night - Mat Kearney (who writes poetry into songs better than Mat Kearney? A song about making love work when it's the hardest thing you've had to do)

"Like ships in the night, you keep passing me by
We're just wasting time trying to prove who's right
And if it all goes crashing into the sea,
if it's just you and me,
trying to find a light-

Like ships in the night, letting cannonballs fly,
say what you mean and it turns to a fight.
Fists fly from my mouth as it turns south
You're down the driveway, I'm on the couch
Chasing your dreams since the violent fifth grade
Trying to believe in your silent own way
Cause we'll be okay, I'm not going away
Like you watched at fourteen as it went down the drain,
And pops stayed the same and your moms moved away,
how many of our parents seem to make it anyway?
we're just fumbling through the gray
trying to find a heart that's not walking away."

8. Don't Leave - Tyler James (isn't this what everyone thinks during these types of almost-relationships?? so great)

"Don't leave, I've got so much to tell you
and there's no more need to generalize.
I cant really change how you feel for me honey,
I just need some peace tonight.

If this should be the easy part
then why's it always seem so hard?
Cause all we do is analyze
and now i have forgotten why.

I thought you wanted me to love you,
soon as I do you're terrified.
I cant really change how you feel for me honey,
I just need some peace tonight.

Do you even know what you do to me?
Do you even know that its killing me?
But I don't mind oh i don't mind"

9. "I Go To The Barn Because I Like The" - Band of Horses (Yep, that's the title! This song is about the anticipation of a date. It's sweet, simple, and delicate. The vocals are fantastic.)

"I'd like to think I'm the mess
you'd wear with pride
like some empty dress on the bed
you've laid out for tonight
maybe I'll tell you sometime

...

Outside by your doorstep
in a worn out suit and tie
I'll wait for you to come down
Where you'll find me
Where we'll shine."

9. Southbound Train - Jon Foreman (I challenge you to find a songwriter more talented then Jon Foreman. He is simply brilliant in his honesty about life and love.)

"Oh, well the wind starts
To look like her hair
And the clouds
In her bright blue eyes
As the sea
And the shore fall and rise
Like her breast
As she breathes by my side
And the moon is her lips
As the sun is headed
On down to the sea
Like her head
As she lays down on me
Until we reach Oceanside
Over and over
I hear the same refrain
With the rhythm of my heart
And my sleepy girl's breathing
It's the rhythm
Of my southbound train"

10. Sight of Love - Michael Rossback (notice a trend? he is seriously fantastic)

"This could take a day or so,
Convince you what I already know.
And then you'll say you'll never wonder
What life could be with another.

And I'm holding on to you.
No one else will ever do.

Oh, the sight of love.
Can you make you wanna turn your life around
Make you wanna live for someone else,
Someone who relies on no one else."

10. 23 - Jimmy Eat World (I don't use the word 'epic' very often because it's such a 'bro' thing to say, but this song is the epitome of epic. So incredibly powerful. It's got music that just makes you FEEL the song before the words even start.)

"I felt for sure last night
That once we said goodbye
No one else will know these lonely dreams
No one else will know that part of me
I'm still driving away
And I'm sorry every day
I won't always love these selfish things
I won't always live not stopping

...

Amazing still it seems
I'll be 23
I won't always love what I'll never have
I won't always live in my regrets

You'll sit alone forever
If you wait for the right time
What are you hoping for?
I'm here I'm now I'm ready
Holding on tight
Don't give away the end
The one thing that stays mine"

Honorary Mentions!!

- "The Sound" - Paper Route
- "You Kill Me" - Paper Route
- "X & Y" - Coldplay
- "A Summer's Song" - Wavorly
- "Half of my Heart" - John Mayer
- "I Live Alone" - Sky Sailing
- "On The Wing" - Owl City
- "Elements Combined" - Fiction Family


My choices may seem homozygous in some ways, but there is an inescapable complete feeling that accompanies love music, whether it be bad love, good love, or hard love.

Day Four: Fashion

"The great guide of this world is fashion and its god is respectability--two phantoms at which brave men laugh! How many of you look around society to know what to do? You watch the general current and then float upon it! You study the popular breeze and shift your sails to suit it. True men do not so! You ask, "Is it fashionable? If it is fashionable, it must be done." Fashion is the law of multitudes, but it is nothing more than the common consent of fools." --CHARLES SPURGEON

World, can't you SEE how true this is? Why do people put so much emphasis on clothes? Tonight my friend Persy was in the middle of an existential crisis- "There are millions of types of shirts. Does it matter? One just needs a shirt."

This quote applies more to just threads, it's a universal concept of accepting the flow of something and doing nothing to change it! Why is something popular, whether it be an idea, a fashion style, a quote... anything? If fascist communism was "fashionable", would we all support it or would we realize there are more productive and beneficial ways to live our lives? Popular opinion changes swiftly. When you're down to the bone, will you choose to stick to your convictions or let them pass in hopes of fitting in? We often want to stand out just enough to be noticed, but not enough to make an actual difference.

What are we all WAITING for? I'm inclined to believe it's the laziness and ignorance of first world countries that demonstrates the absurdity of our lives. In reference back to fashion, did you know that the fashion industry decides what is going to be popular a year in advance? Clothing, something once thought to be a basic expression of individualism, is really nothing more than a time-line on a spreadsheet. We can take no credit for our uniqueness- it's planned down to a science. It's recycled from past generations with real creativity and without social and mass media to tell us what to like. Do we have any control?

I mean, maybe it's just me. I could be the only one who thinks like this because I am tired of being looked down upon for wearing the clothes that I want to wear or enjoying activities that are not mainstream ways to spend an afternoon. I am in constant limbo between valuing myself and my opinions or valuing the worlds.

Despite the negativity of this post, I very solidly believe in hope. Persy is a girl who wears whatever she feels like- and is therefore always six months ahead of what will soon be 'the next trend.' Persy's fashion gives me hope that translates to the greater cause for good. People are opening their eyes to the injustices of genetically modified foods, the droughts in Africa, and sexual slavery. People are waiting for a movement, they just don't want to start it.

What will it take to get the people of our nation to choose to fight for something meaningful? A new pair of shoes is wonderful for two weeks, but a safe human life benefits all for years to come.

Day Three: Songs, Lost and Loved

This blog is a story about how life's memories and coincidences can collide in incredible ways.

Years ago, I heard a song on Air1 christian radio called "Listening for Whispers" by a band called Lloyd. The song really spoke to me and has stuck with me throughout the last decade, despite the fact that I only heard it a couple times before it seemingly disappeared off the radio waves and the internet. The only remnant was one off-the-beaten-path website with the lyrics posted so that I could memorize the words to the tune I remembered so vividly in my head. I searched every so often for ten years, hoping it would turn up on YouTube or Pandora. It seemed a hopeless case until two weeks ago.

The song casually came into my mind on a September afternoon, and I decided to give the search another chance. One thing you, my dear reader, might not know about me is that I am an internet wizard. I can find anything online. Anything. Obviously, not being able to locate this song had been a low blow to my reputation.

I anxiously typed the title of the song in and pressed enter, breathlessly searching the screen for any signs of life. Upon my word, there it was! The cd for sale on Amazon! Before I knew it, I had clicked "Buy Now!" I knew it was my only shot to hearing the song after years of wishing and empty-handed dead ends.

Eventually the mail I checked every day yielded something useful, and the songs were presently loaded into iTunes. I quickly located the song and impatiently double clicked, waiting for the first notes to touch my ears.

It was just as I had remembered yet still far away, like a moment that comes back into focus or a pocket watch that is tuned and polished. The verses were muddled in my memory but as soon as the chorus kicked in, everything came back. I memorize things as I can picture them. The wonder of the night sky and quiet walks came softly, as did the reminder that we often listen for the shouts instead of the whispers. "The sun is blinding us and still we look for matches."

The obvious is out there for us to grasp, we just have to look beyond what is colloquial and banal. We HAVE to look for the hidden in order to figure out what we see, big or small. Ideas of molecules or faith. Literature or science. Nothing worth having comes easy, and what we perceive is among the most precious of things to own.

Day Two: Your Hand In Mine

There is nothing sweeter than music that grabs you intensely and holds you with every note. There is nothing more beautiful than a song that accurately portrays all the emotions associated with it's title.

Your hand in mine.

Such a powerful and warm statement of fact. We're in this together. Simplicity is all we need. I hear the title and I see a scene. A masculine palm outstretched to the side of him, patiently waiting for hesitant fingers to lace with his before they turn to walk into the unknown. But somewhere in there is loss. There's difficulty in this motion of continuing on in hard times. The song climbs and clears, taking itself all over the emotions of love- the initial budding of attraction and affection to the moments when it seems better to quit than to remain. It's heart-wrenching. The guitars sing and shrill into beautiful notes that swim carefully yet unabashedly into their places. It's a poignant, emotional eight minutes.

But the story is for you to make up. What do you hear, smell, feel, think when you hear this? A memory buried away or someone within arms' length? Young love or lasting love? To each individual, the interpretations are endless. The earth is not a cold, dead thing. This song is evidence that in our world of modern technology and personal space, the vibrancy of intense feeling will triumph over the grays in an array of spark and passion for relationship and community.

Day One: Alcohol

Alcohol has always been a touchy subject for me because I never knew the appropriate stance on it from a Christian worldview. Many Christians advocate no alcohol usage at all, while others freely go out and participate in "social drinking", having a drink in a casual setting with no intention of getting drunk. It's been a topic the church as shied away from openly discussing for the reason that it's a hard line to walk. Do we give the 'okay' for people to go drink, or to refrain from it at all, in fear that we are inadvertently encouraging them to get drunk?

I'll liken the alcohol debate to the usual shortcuts Christians make when discussing sex. Growing up, one tends to hear "Sex is good, but it's bad before marriage", which I fully agree is the truth, for reasons that might be discussed on this blog later down the road. But oftentimes in our conservative worldview, there isn't a middle ground that's easy to walk or discuss, so we begin to 'shortcut' that phrase to "sex is bad" as a way of making an easier rule to follow. This eventually messes with our psyche- the church doesn't know how to approach sex with an enthusiastic attitude without feeling like it's going to encourage all the singles to go sleep around. Sex is also an extremely personal issue, so it wouldn't be as widely discussed from a pulpit as something like finance. Alcohol is the same way. We shortcut "Alcohol is a gift, but drunkenness is a sin" to "Alcohol is a sin." The problem is that drinking in and of itself is not a sin.

This view has been hard for me to come to terms with because of what's been ingrained in my head for so long. I don't blame anyone for this confusion because I know most Christians struggle to find a balance between this as well and have set parameters in a loving rather than legalistic way. So in order to fix this, I read two recent articles about the viewpoint of the consumption of alcohol in the Old and New Testaments.

http://www.thetwocities.com/biblical-studies/alcohol-in-the-bible-part-one-the-old-testament/
http://www.thetwocities.com/biblical-studies/alcohol-in-the-bible-part-two-the-new-testament/

I'll sum up their basic points:

Old Testament- Alcohol is a symbol for joy, and people openly consumed alcohol. However, the Bible is clear that drunkenness is a sin. The author references verses and stories that back both of these claims up.

New Testament - While the new testament is less clear about the consumption of alcohol being good, two major stories emerge- Jesus turned water into wine during a wedding, and He often referenced vineyards and wine in his parables and teachings.

The Old Testament speaks frequently of wine in a positive light if taken responsibly, and the New Testament speaks more of the consequences of drunkenness in every day life and also in the inheritance of the Kingdom of God.

Essentially, what this investigation taught me was that going out and having a drink with a friend at a bar is something that can be enjoyed when it's done responsibly.



.... and we're off to a rough start for my 30 day challenge! hah

The Start of Something New

So my dear friend Liz and I decided that we are going to write consistently for a month. We are going to blog every day in order share our thoughts with those who care to read and as a way to keep each other accountable. So, without further ado... read the post that will soon be above this one ;)