valentines day countdown: 5 days

in honor of valentines day, i will post one of my favorite romance songs of all time. i don't have a boyfriend, nor is there anyone on the horizon, so i love this song because it's earnest, honest, and darling. i love the anticipation and sweetness that the lyricist conveys in his voice and writing. i especially love the way he quietly says "it's just what i do", as if the waiting and the praying for her are things he just does, plain and simple. no ulterior motive, he's not being forced to do it. it's just what he does.

enjoy.






come meet me in the middle of a rainy street
just like we thought it'd always be
i've fallen for you
it's just what i do

loving you will carry me til i meet you
and all the things that i'll go through
i do them for you
it's just what i'll do

my heart's on the wire
and i've given it to you
so much time's gone by
but still no sign of you

but i'll pull through
'cause every day i pray for you
you're everything that i hold to
i've fallen for you
it's just what i do

dear blog, i would like to start using you

"Jealousy is the thought or feeling that you are replaceable"-unknown

I found this quote just now on a friend's facebook profile. I tried googling it but it came up with zero results, leading me to believe that it is a quote that he heard from a family member or friend. Despite it's obscurity, I found that I connected with it on a deep level.

I'm not the prettiest girl around. I'm not the funniest, nor the smartest, or even the kindest. Within my circles of friends, I would have to say I am "perfectly adequate", to quote (500) days of summer (my favorite movie). Because of this knowledge, my self-worth and confidence is relatively average or low for the most part. I struggle with being overweight, with having acne, and with having many feelings of ineptitude and shortcoming.

Most of my best friends are incredibly spiritual people who are talented in many areas. They are humorous, musical, loving, passionate, and loyal. They have this faith in God that I admire so deeply since I deal with doubt so frequently. This is the area I tend to struggle with jealously the most.

I tend to worry that my friends will suddenly decide I'm not funny enough, or pretty enough, or kind enough, or (and this is my worst fear) that I'm not spiritual enough to be of use to them. It's a terrifying place to be when you feel replaceable. I worry that they will make these new 'awesome' and 'spiritual' friends and will eventually turn from me because I am just not meeting their emotional needs anymore since they have better friends too that now. And when you're "perfectly adequate" in every way, it's hard to feel like you can stand out and really shine for them. I like loving and serving my friends. I'm not perfect at it of course, but I enjoy it and I'm thankful for the God-given opportunity to help others.

I think this is a rather hard place to be, seeing as its very possible I could lose my friends in an instant if God chooses. I dated someone once who had asked God, on the night before a missions trip, to take away all distractions so he could focus solely on the Lord. It happened. He lost me, his friends, and felt alienated by people. This story encourages me because it led to a wider appreciation and understanding of God, but it scares me as well because I desperately do not want this to occur.

I don't want to be replaceable in anyone's eyes. I believe I feel this way because my self-value is so low. The more I point myself to God, the more I am reassured of his perfecting love and his abounding grace, and the more I realize my identity belongs to him alone. I liken it to a solar system, where he is the Son (pun intended ;) ) and I am a planet that swirls and twirls around him. My orbit is not consistent or without it's share of mistakes and sin by any means, but that comparison reminds me that I dance around him because he is the only constant. He doesn't change. He is so faithful when I am not. It reminds me that I am not simply replaceable. I have value and a purpose, of which is to be to love and to serve others for all of my life.

People will undoubtedly replace me in the future. It's bound to happen. But I know that my savior will not. He is constantly loving me and correcting me. As long as I continue to dance around him, he will continually reveal himself to me. And because of this, I never need to feel jealousy at a new person being introduced to the group or feel fear at being left behind for a 'better version'. He will provide me with all that I need and more. He sacrificed for me, and he will take care of me. And, let's be honest, if he loved me enough to die for my sins, why on earth would he give me up? ;)